Bus Etiquette

For those of you who haven’t ever, nor will ever take mass transportation, there are certain rules involved in riding the bus and/or train.

First – Don’t eat, drink, smoke or gamble on the bus/train.
Second – Don’t talk loudly on your cell phone.
Third – Don’t take up more than your seat when sitting. (Obvious exclusion for the larger than life folk out there)
Fourth – Do not exit the bus from the front unless you are disabled.
Fifth – Give up your seat for the elderly, disabled and expectant mothers.

Ok, so those are basically the CTA’s rules…but of course I have a few of my own!

First – Do not breast feed on the bus, seriously you can’t wait until you get where you’re going? I mean, OMG WTF!?! I don’t whip mine out in public and I personally, do not want to see anybody else’s on the bus. Unless you look like Angelina Jolie, then I’m sure most of us wouldn’t mind, unless of course you were breast feeding then you detract from the whole fantasy, thereby negating the fact that you look like Angelina Jolie.
Second – Please, please for the love of Pete, do not smell bad! Take a fucking shower already! This is seriously an issue and it goes hand in hand with BRUSH YOUR TEETH! The number of times I have had to endure somebody else’s body odor and/or bad breath is astounding!
Third – Hang up the fucking phone! Especially when you have a voice closely resembling nails on a chalkboard. None of us within ear shot cares about your weekend plans, we don’t care that your boyfriend is a total dog because he chose to go drinking with the boys after his softball game last night instead of coming home to your sweet soothing voice, we don’t care that the new girl at work dresses like a turtle either.(I might have to make an exception for that one because I have no idea what a turtle dresses like, except for maybe turtlenecks, and then don’t most of us wear turtlenecks sometimes?)
Fourth – When you’re in a large group of people traveling together (mostly young people) please refrain from acting like you own the bus and your conversation is the most important. Basically, SHUT THE HELL UP! Yelling to your friend who is sitting in front of me does not endear you to me at all!
Fifth – If I’m listening to my iPod, don’t write your phone number on the back of your business card, hand it to me, then try to make conversation thinking it’s cute. I understand you think this a prime opportunity to say hi, but when I put the ear buds back in it means I am through talking to you. If that wasn’t enough of a hint, opening my book again should have been. Take a hint is all I’m asking; if you had been attractive or you had said something intelligent and/or witty I wouldn’t be ignoring you.