If you're so stupidly drunk that you cannot even write your name.
1) Drive - Obviously!
2) Go to Work - this of course will get your ass fired, trust me on this one. (note - no I've never been fired for showing up to work drunk...just trust me)
3) Operate heavy machinery - yes this goes right along with driving, but there are times when you're so drunk that your house keys are so heavy you can't seem to keep hold of them. I include in this category almost anything that plugs in to an outlet or requires batteries...almost anything ;)
4) Go swimming - Really, I mean come on, this is pretty self explanatory, if you cannot walk a straight line, how in hell do you think you are going to keep you head above water in a pool/lake/river? I'm leaving out hot tubs, because I'm always game for hot tubs, just remember if you've had too much to drink, your hangover will feel worse in the morning, guaranteed!and lastly...now you might think I'd say - drunk dialing an ex, but I won't, because there have been some very interesting interludes in my past with exes that involved a drunk dial, and well they make great stories.
5) Try to help the hysterical girl in the bathroom - She is obviously having some sort of emotional crisis, usually involving a guy. In fact if there is a girl crying hysterically in the bathroom of a club/bar IT ALWAYS INVOLVES A GUY! Trust me on this one...stay as far away as you can get, because you can only make the situation worse! TRUST ME!