Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Crazy Season

It has been so nuts around here I haven't had time to think let alone put my thoughts into actual words and some sort of cohesion!

I wanted to wish everybody a Happy Holidays and a very Merry New Year! I'll be getting Merry with my friends and enjoying the holidays here in Chicago and it's very strange for me to be away from my family and I know they feel the same. This year I just couldn't find the enthusiasm to go "home" to Utah for the season. Many things have changed there and Chicago now feels like home, except without the presence of my mom and sister.

In a surprise twist that I'm sure my mother and sister are still shaking their heads about is the fact that I'm actually cooking for the holiday! That's right, the girl that doesn't even like to bother making toast is cooking: ham, roast and funeral potatoes for friends on Christmas day. Of course this is also the girl that does not own a kitchen table or enough chairs and plates for everybody, but we'll make do.

Cheers to all, be careful of all that eggnog, it adds pounds faster than fruitcake. Watch out for flying reindeer, those hooves are sharp as fuck. Don't sit on Santa's lap, because let's face it, after 8 years-old it's downright creepy!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Holiday Mood!

One could argue that without children, Christmas just isn't anything speical these days. I'm one of those "singles" out there, that enjoys the holidays with friends and family and various activities designed strictly for the adult crowd. This last weekend my friends and I participated in a Twelve Bars of Christmas dressed in our holiday finest and proceeded to drink and "crawl" our way through Chicago.

A few years ago, I convinced some Salt Lake friends to participate in a Santa Pub Crawl. I made some costumes and we joined a group of revelers and hit the town. Throughout the years it proceeded with more friends, crazier costumes and culminated last year in me convincing a huge group of friends to create our own crawl. This year I was very happy to discover Chicago does a multitude of crawls, "Ugliest Holiday Sweater" "Santa Con" "TBOX" and the "Twelve Bars of Christmas". I had no problem convincing my girls here to let me make some costumes and join the crawl.

We started at 3pm on Saturday and by the time we had covered ten of the twelve bars on the list, returned to meet up with some guys we'd met earlier at another bar and finally make my way home it was 3am! I find that I am getting better at sustained drinking, limiting myself to one drink per hour and then finally cutting myself off about 10pm. I met some new friends and had a blast with old friends. Our costumes were a total success and we've decided to do another crawl on the 20th. Got to keep that holiday spirit going!
Behold I give you our Santa Pub Crawl:



Thursday, December 4, 2008

Five Reasons.....

Five reasons why I won't be able to shop for a new Holiday cocktail dress this weekend:

1) It's cold outside.

2) It's the Kris Kringle Crawl on Saturday, which means all day drinking and crawling (bar crawl, not on my actual knees)! Oh and The Professor's B-day celebration that night. Hopefully she won't mind if I stop by dressed in red velvet and white fur, already sufficiently liquored up enough to be friendly to everybody. Repeat after me - I drink to be friendly.

3) It's REALLY COLD outside!

4) Sunday Funday is already booked and when brunch starts at noon, it's an all day drinking and football affair and there is absolutely no way I can have an opinion on a cocktail dress when I'm seeing double. I might end up buying a dress that makes me look like an extra for Pink Elephants on Parade.

5) It is FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE!

Ok, now that I have gotten that out of my system, I promise I will not whine about the cold anymore this year. However January and February of 2009 are not included in that deal. You have now been warned.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I Really Am Funny!

Today I used the following expression "I was wandering the halls of my mind, but I was distracted by the clicking of my heels." Holy shit I have never had such a big laugh in my life! And it came from a table full of MBAs. - Total score!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Waxing Religious....for a brief moment.

I just happened to read this article about the "War on Christmas" and then I read this one earlier from my hometown newspaper. The one question I have is when did all this happen? When did "we" start to perceive somebody's lack of saying "Merry Christmas" as anti-christian? I do remember all the to-do a few years ago about the official White House "Holiday" card not containing the word "Christmas" but when did it get to be such an issue? I always assumed that as a society we collectively became smarter, I guess I was wrong. It boggles my mind that people are setting battle lines based on this issue.

For one thing, there are many more faiths out there than just Christian, who celebrate a holiday in December; Hanukkah, Kwanza, Winter Solstice anybody? Not to mention the Hajj starts in Dec, there is also Eid-Ul-Adha and Al-Hijira...if you ask me the Muslims have this month down, just based on the number of recognized holidays!

Second, doesn't Santa say "Merry Christmas"? I mean isn't that his line right after Ho, Ho, Ho? And didn't the Christians wage a war on Santa a few years ago? If you really want to get technical, Santa has nothing to do whatsoever with the Christ is Christmas. Just saying!

Third, (and lastly) if you ask me the way most people celebrate Christmas has very little-to-nothing to do with what Christmas is really supposed to mean to Christians anyway. I understand the gift giving as symbolic of the Wise Men, but that's about it right? I'm pretty sure the Wise Men, if they were still around, wouldn't be sleeping outside a Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving, waiting to rush the doors at 5AM and trample to death a 28 year-old employee or stab an 18 year-old teenager to get the last $299 laptop!

If that's your idea of Christmas, then go ahead and say Merry Christmas all you want, I'll stay clear thanks.

My whole point is, if you say Merry Christmas to me and I say, "Thanks, Happy Holidays to you!" Please don't be offended, let me have my holidays, all of them how I choose to have them. You are more than welcome to your idea of Christmas, whatever that may be, and I'll never judge you for it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Funny Feeling

This morning I left the house without my phone and it wasn't until I was almost at my office that I realized it. The funny feeling was this - I feel like I've left my house wearing a flouncy dress and I have forgotten to put on underwear!

I realize most of us have attachments to our phones; they are the lifelines to our friends and family when we're out and about living our daily lives. But we've become so attached that when we forget them somewhere, they lose battery life, we leave them in a taxi or drop them in a gin and tonic, we feel naked. Hell you might as well cut off our left arm for all the good we're going to be that day without our phone. It's the idea that while I'm without my phone, an important call may just come in and I won't be around to get it!

On the other hand it's also slightly liberating and mildly exciting...like having a good stiff wind blow right up your dress, sans the underwear.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Mutants!

Has anybody seen this:

http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/11/25/1688782.aspx

My only question is - with all the mutations happening around the world, mostly in third world countries, when are we going to finally develop mutations like the X-Men? I'm really looking forward to changing weather patterns like Storm, because it's way too cold for my tastes right now.

Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Neglected!

Sorry guys, I have been busy in the real world and I have completely neglected to inform you all of my recent misdeeds! Most likely because there haven't been any!

Since it's turned cold, very cold here in the Windy City I've taken to hibernating and working on Santa Crawl costumes. I've taken on eight costumes this year and I'm now down to 10 days to finish them, which is plenty of time because I actually have friends who sew helping out this year. However, it means I have red velvet, green velvet and bits of white fur all over my house! The best part about the Santa Crawl...is cleaning my house afterward.

This Thanksgiving week, and I have now been craving turkey for over a week...I'm definitely looking forward to turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, rolls, pumpkin cheesecake and as much alcohol allowed by law. Oh and two days off this week!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

A Weekend of Fools Revisited

This past weekend I sort of felt like I was living in the Christmas Story, being visited by idiots and fools from the past, present and hopefully NOT future.

PAST - Does anybody remember this guy? After a much talked about a weekend of celebrating, Sunday was supposed to be a slight recovery day, what it ended up being was a rowdy day at McGee's watching football, drinking way too many ____bombs (you fill in the blank; O, Cherry, Grape, Car, Jager) so I was high on Red Bull, dancing around (basically hopping) to burn off all the caffeine and then running into the douche bag from summer. You remember, the guy who met me and then proceeded to call me 9 times between the hours of 2 and 3 AM! I was on my way outside to grab a nicci fit and he followed me, asked if he could bum a cig and when I said I had only one he said, "That's OK, I'll just share yours." Umm, excuse me, we met briefly four months ago, you called me 9 times in a most unpleasant manner, never called back (thankfully) and then you assume I'm going to let you share my last cig? (I ask you Internet - do I look like "Fool" is it tattooed on my head in ink that everybody else can read but me?) So I said no to the last cig and sharing (ewwwww!) and he proceeds to hang around and ask if I remember him. Which I reply, "Yes, but I was just about to the point of forgetting you, so gee, thanks a lot for being here to remind me!"

PRESENT - Saturday was Jen-9's bday party and it was a smash success, however I was inundated with drunken fools...one of which was actually me! There are two guys here in Chi that have made a point of trying to "connect" with me. When I say "connect" I do mean in the puzzle piece sort of way if you get my meaning, but I'm just not into either one of them. One has a history of getting drunk way too often, then texting inappropriate messages to not only yours truly, but to a couple other ladies I know, the other one I'm just not into. So anyway, I still see them all the time, but Saturday was especially interesting. Both of them made a point of breaking into my conversations, requesting permission from friends to ask if they could have a moment with me, and both of them basically trying to get me to go home with them. I'll combine both conversations into one for you - "Wow, Doni I think you're awesome, let's go fuck!" Yeah, that's about it!

FUTURE - OK, on the crush front, there is nothing new to report here...unfortunately.

Friday, November 14, 2008

When Compliments are NOT!

Last night I met my friend Jill for drinks and appetizers at Tilli's. It's a great little place on Halsted and it has a cozy feel even though the whole place is quite large. There is a rectangular bar right up front, with three cute bartenders caged like rowdy dogs ready to lick you to death if you'd just let them out of the cage. They're cute, friendly, sassy and apparently speak a multitude of languages with the customers, one being drunken slurring I'm sure.

So I arrived a few minute before Jill and took a seat at the bar on the corner, near the door, but also near a table of three attractive guys, figuring that proximity wins! There was definitely a higher guy to girl ratio in the place, so I figured my odds were good that I would at least have some interesting conversation with someone of the opposite sex before Jill arrived. (Remember I'm trying to find a crush close to home here) Jill arrived and we proceeded to have drinks and appetizers over the next three hours and not one of the guys even bothered to say anything to us. Which is actually quite surprising in Chicago, because usually you can't get through one drink without somebody either saying hi, bumping into you, (guyspeak for, "Hey you're kinda cute!") or offering to buy you a drink.

Jill and I were finishing our last drink, the Jets were finishing off the Patriots and then she gives me the "look", you know the one that says, "OMG, don't look now, but there is something heading our way!" and not in the good way. Sure enough, up comes drunk guy with red wine stained teeth and the most horrible laugh you've ever heard. He's sloshing his red wine everywhere, bumping into both of us and trying to get us to talk to his table of guys into not leaving and going someplace else. He proceeds to ask us annoying questions and we made some comment about the game, to which he replies, "You're Patriots fans? What are you bitch-ass-hos!" My immediate reaction was "Oh no you did not just call us that!" Which of course I voiced, to the purple-teethed-tottering-asshole, then his cute friend came over to smooth things over because I was obviously enraged. Then the asshole tries to tell me it's a term of endearment! I politely gave him a lesson on terms of endearment one uses with A) people you just met B) women you're hoping to impress and C) anybody you hope to converse with at any point in the future beyond the present moment where you're digging yourself a very big hole!

We of course left, but I hope I made an impression that no matter how drunk you are, if you're hoping to approach a woman in the bar, any term of endearment using the words; bitch, ass or ho is not appropriate.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Adventures in Facebook....part 3 I think

So I did something totally silly and very unlike me last Friday. I saw a familiar face from years ago, make that twenty years ago and I decided to send him a little email on Facebook. Before I get into the present story, I'll give you a little back story.

In my small hometown of Brigham City, there are only two grocery stores, and for as long as I can remember it's always been that way. When I was in my early teen years, I developed a brutal crush on one of the cashiers/baggers at one of the stores who was four years my senior. Without ever saying a word, my mother knew and would make me go to the store, always picking the one my crush worked at, which was further away and more expensive, just so she could see me squirm. You know how mothers are! Being a small town I knew who he was and even after a two year absence (his not mine) I still had a crush at 17, but I figured the four year age difference back then would certainly have negated any mutual crushing! I saw glimpses of him for the next couple of years, then lost all contact. Then all of a sudden who pops up on Facebook? Yep, that's right, which is where our story begins.

So Friday I decided to send the guy a Facebook msg, just saying, "Hey, you probably don't remember me, but 20 years ago I had a major crush on you and well I just thought you might get a laugh out of that." How was I supposed to know he would respond with the following. "Oh yeah, I totally remember you and the crush was mutual!" (paraphrasing) Then we corresponded with different memories of each other throughout the years and lamenting why neither of us had ever asked the other out. When I got home from my SLC trip on Sunday I was catching up with e-mails when he buzzed me on Facebook and we spent the next hour reminiscing and being silly. Now my problem is I can't get him out of my head, old crushes die hard you know. Oh yeah and he lives on the other side of the country, oh and did I mention he's married with kids! Big No-No!

Needless to say I'm all a twitter and crushing again and I am going to channel that twitter-y-ness (word? didn't think so) to the big party for my friend jen-9 this weekend and I'm going to find a crush closer to home...oh yeah and NOT-MARRIED!

Monday, November 10, 2008

PIMP Mommy!

In an effort to be more visual, I am going to make a late-year resolution and promise to post more pictures. Let's start with this:

Would anybody in the Great Salt Lake area care for an introduction to this guy?

Besides being one of my favorite people in the whole world and a BFF, he can cook, he is very kind and he knows how to have a good time. Did I mention he can cook!

On my recent trip home to SLC, I stayed at Tommy's amazing house, where he treated me like a queen, cooked for me; some amazing meals I might add, especially the one we had on Wednesday when the power kept going out, coming back on, then going right back out again.

There are a lot of people I miss being away from SLC, and Tommy is one of the people at the top of the list. He's promised to come visit me in a few weeks and I'm hoping this post will guilt trip him into actually making the trip here. It's the Kris Kringle Pub Crawl, which is not unlike the Santa Pub Crawls my friends and I have attended over the years and it sure would be nice to have an old friend to mix with the new ones, plus he has a kick ass elf costume I made for him!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Halloween

I just wanted to post a picture of four particularly deadly women from SLC!

Given the chance these women will most decidedly kill you!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Deep Breath!

There are not many words powerful enough to express how much I feel today. I am proud, excited, hopeful, ecstatic, jittery, nervous, inspired, awed and generally I can barely contain myself!

Obama inspires me, I want to be a better person whenever I hear him or see him! Isn't this what leaders are supposed to do? Inspire us to do great things, live better lives and aspire to greater heights?

Well, he's done it for me, sign me up Mr. President!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Voting, Schmoting

OK, just kidding, I voted on the first day early voting was allowed in Illinois, so as far as I'm concerned this election needs to be OVER! I have enjoyed reading every one's blogs about voting and their Facebook status comments as well. Considering I knew I was going to be visiting a red state (one of the two reddest!) on election day, I made sure my little BLUE heart voted for my BLUE man in one of the BLUEst states in the USA!

So, I'm not going to blog about voting today. No sir, ladies and gentlemen, I give you this, proof positive that the world is quite possibly coming to a horrible and gaudy end!

http://tinyurl.com/5sfvlp

Enjoy and I'll say "you're welcome" in advance of the laughter and head shaking I know will be occurring once you read what I have bestowed upon you.

Cheers!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Ahhhh....home!/home?

I think I've said this before that coming home to UT is weird, strange, stressful, etc. I will now add difficult and heart breaking to the growing list. Things are changing so rapidly in my friends' lives and my role in their lives is not the same as it was, yet I struggle so much with removing myself from that old role that it stresses me out and I have only myself to blame. It is difficult for me to make the decision to remove myself from their lives because for some I feel like I am abandoning them and others I think are better off for me being out of their day-to-day lives. I realize they live their own lives and certainly don't need me to make any decisions for them, but I've always been a sounding board for them. Do I now pick and choose who I still remain a shoulder to cry on or confidant or do I sever all close ties and risk abandoning those who still need/want me there? Can I become the long distance friend, am I really capable? I admit I am ultimately selfish and I truly want to be there with them and for them, but I don't want to give up my role in their lives, which is quite frankly very selfish of me. The big question is do they need me/want me anymore?

This weekend brought a lot of laughter, great reminiscing, wonderful reunions and a little drama...all of which was highly amusing. Old exes reared their ugly heads and tried to create drama, (which became a running joke throughout the evening, note: seek professional help!) old friends proved they are their lovely entertaining selves, good friends were there physically and emotionally when you needed them most and new friends never ceased to amaze and delight me.
My friends I love you so much and I will be here when you need me, but from now on, only when you need me.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ummm

FUCK! Let me start by saying I had typed this awesome post about how:

{It's Wednesday, Kel has the case of the fuck-its, Summer & Sarah went to a concert without me last night (yeah I know I live in Chicago, but that's not the point), I have no idea how I'm supposed to pack everything I need for my trip to SLC without getting dinged $80 for overweight luggage, I broke the zipper on my favorite pair of black boots this morning and these are the essential black boots I wear with everything in the winter and when I dropped them off at the shoe repair the lady said they wouldn't be ready until Friday and I leave on Friday which means I won't have the essential black boots in SLC and lastly I never found a Random Hot Guy for the Halloween Extravaganza in SLC.

Does anybody think Sarah would mind loaning me Rlo? Maybe Helmey can bring one of his single friends if he has any.}

And then my computer decided to have a case of the fuck-its and crashed! I've decided I need this day to be over, because apparently my computer thinks I'm already on vacation and the two applications I need to use are fighting both each other and me. This has taken all of the wit right out of me.

Sincerely,

Apparently on Vacation!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Lesson Learned

Hey Internet, did you know it is practically impossible to write a post while your head is resting on the keyboard. Go ahead, try it! Sure you can type but when you finally find the strength to pick your head up, stop the world spinning and try to focus through blood-shot eyes at what you've "written" you'll know exactly what I mean.

I tried, a little too hard, to extend my weekend by participating in Sunday Funday. Now I say "participating" (I love using McCain air quotes, it makes me closer my friends) and I act like none of it was my idea thereby placing the blame on others, but you see, it was partly my idea.

After Saturday night's various antics, by the time I rallied on Sunday morning, OK early afternoon, OK late afternoon, the girls and I decided not to go to the haunted house. I will absolutely admit to being a major pussy when it comes to haunted houses, I am jumpy by nature and I hate being startled so I was very happy when the girls suggested, and I agreed, to bag that idea. We decided to do Sunday Funday at McGee's to grab something to eat, drink and be merry...we were very merry! Then we carried it over to Stanley's for more fun and more merriment. Unless you've seen Stanley's for yourself there is no way to accurately describe it, but it's always packed on Sundays for live band karaoke. So after imbibing more "merriment" and ogling the baby daddy - damn he's cute - I decided it was finally time to head home since it was technically Monday and I really hate Mondays. MG decided to share a cab with me and on our way out the door there was a small crowd gathered at the front and I realize that one of the guys is Chris Kirkpatrick from *Nsync - short little fella - so I snapped a photo with him and MG. By the time I made it home and stopped the room from spinning I'm pretty sure it was at least 1am.

So here I am now, it's early in the morning, I'm trying to write this post, my stomach is queasy and I have yet to get ready for work. The alarm and the cat conspired together to get my ass out of bed, so I'm sitting on the couch, it's still dark outside, the cat is curled up next to me and I'm trying not to puke my guts out all over my laptop! I will make it to work on time, I will be very glad when I get to leave work early and I will be very happy to get my hair done this afternoon and believe me I will be super happy when I can just go home, lay down and die!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World

Have any of you seen this?

Seriously, I can't imagine being mad enough at anybody in real life to kill them, let alone in a virtual world. I have previously read stories about people carrying on alternate lives in the virtual world; affairs, prostitution, drug-running and various other illicit activities.

For some reason this story just made me feel so sad for humanity! If people are living their lives in virtual reality at the risk of incarceration and monetary fines in the real world, how great can the virtual world really be? I understand the feeling of being somebody else and the role playing that comes along with "Second Life" and the virtual world, but sacrificing your "real world" to play in the other world is just a sad commentary on the world today.

I've said my peace, thank you very much!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Job Creation

I would love the ability to give away my cold. This is nothing new of course, I know everybody who has ever had a cold has thought the same thing. Get rid of the sinus pressure, the sore throat, the constant back and forth between stuff and runny nose and the, OMG I think I just coughed up a lung cough. Why not give it away to somebody who would love to spend a few days in bed and eat chicken soup?

Instead of spending billions of dollars on cold remedies, we should fund research on how to "transfer" our common colds to hypochondriacs! Seriously,it would cut down the amount of loss productivity and I think you would spawn a whole new industry of professional "sickies". Hypochondriacs think they're sick all the time anyway, why not have a verifiable illness and get paid for it. They could set rates and charge by the day. How much would you pay to give your cold away?

Right now, I'd give half my savings account to make this sinus pressure leave for good.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Little Black Box

Friday - home sick, did none of you read my chemically induced blog?

Saturday - Umm, home sick again, except for the short foray to MG's building to check on douche -baggy temporary roommate....UGH, just the thought of him gives me the creeps!

Sunday - Brunch with MyraG - who will henceforth be known as "The Professor". We all met up at a friends house for brunch, which consisted of tons of food, Bloody Marys and Mimosas! Interestingly enough, on my way to brunch, I learned a funny thing about Illinois, you cannot buy liquor at a liquor store on Sunday before 11AM. Now coming from Utah, this is not all that new, but what's funny about it is you can order it at a bar/restaurant before 11AM, but not at a liquor store. Is it just me or is that weird to any of you? Anyway, we had tons of food, good drink and absolutely amazing conversation! Besides the Prof, there was Natalie, Scott, Mark, Alan and Sarah (hopefully I just remembered that right). We talked about all the taboos - Sex, Religion and Politics, my three favorite subjects! Which brings me to my subject.

A few years ago my friend KW (Should I use Sadie? Up to you KW, you just let me know, since I know you read this.) mentioned having a box that contained things from her life/past. Should anything ever happen to her, she had a friend who was designated to come and "take care" of that box. I loved this idea! Since that discussion, I have since compiled all the things in my life that I can't bear to throw away, yet I would hate for either my mother or sister to deal with should I pass on without a significant other. It contains, some pictures, some letters and some "others". I love having this box, it's fun to go through sometimes, and if there was somebody significant in my life, my box would not necessarily be off-limits to that person, but it would definitely need explaining. The funny thing about this box, is not what's in it, but the memories I get from seeing the items in it. The explanations would never mean the same thing to someone who wasn't there to share in the original moment. Everytime I think about what is in this box, it reminds me of the saying "Never judge a person 'til you've walked a mile in their shoes."

Strange but true!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Highly Medicated

I have decided that red wine does indeed go very well with cold-medicine!  

I will hopefully refrain from doing the following acts while high on the afore mentioned substances:

Stripping naked and running through the streets of  Boystown in Chicago, because  a) it's fucking cold outside and b) it's "boystown" nobody would care and it's almost a guarantee I won't get any offers, so why bother.

Calling/Texting old lovers - I think I already mentioned they are dead and stashed in my closet, hiding the batteries from my biological clock... so no worries there.

Blogging, using such silly words as "va-jay-jay" "abso-fucking-lutely" and "joe-the-plumber" oops, wait a minute I just did!  Sorry!

Cranking the stereo and playing Katy Perry so loud it prompts my neighbor to call the authorities, who inevitably will find that I am high, will somehow assume it's illegal contraband, arrest me and thereby assure me a trip to the police station where I will then be required to  a) strip naked and submit to a cavity search (OUCH!) and b) take a really horrendous mug shot, which will end up on Perez Hilton...oh wait I'm not a celebrity so no worries there.

OK, Internet, this is my promise to you.  I will stay in my apartment, watch Made of Honor and behave myself!  If you catch me doing any of the above, except for the blogging thing cause I fucked up there already, you have my permission to call the authorities.  which will then of course ultimately make me do the last one and then we have a vicious circle!


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Facebook Freak-Out

I may have to take a break from the "Face". It's beginning to freak me out that people from my past are now showing up with alarming frequency and that little e-mail from Facebook that starts - "So-and-So has added you as a friend" is starting to make me wince.

I still love it, the "Face" that is, don't get me wrong, it's just that some folks from my past that I hardly knew are adding me as friends. It's mostly the high-school thing that's giving me fits. I start to think, if I were still in high-school, and I was the person now that I was then, and they were the people now, they were then, we'd never be "Facebook Friends". I realize we're all grown up and we're adults and all that, but that itty-bitty, tiny little piece of insecurity, still hanging on by her finger tips, is having a MAJOR FUCKING FREAK-OUT! Think of it this way, they're looking through my photos and reading my "wall" and my "info" and maybe even my blog! The people I knew in high-school, that I considered friends, this of course doesn't bother me in the slightest, in fact I have given them the link to this blog. It's the "others", you know the cool kids who wouldn't let you play with them (disclaimer - I was totally not a cool kid, I was a jock).

Recently one of my friends from high-school said these exact words to me "Wow, you've changed a lot since high-school." I had two thoughts - DUH! and You bet your sweet ass I've changed, because I couldn't have made it through life as the person I was then. And so far I have been joyfully surprised by some of the people from my past and I smile whenever they pop-up, especially when they send you drinks on Facebook. But I still wonder what they think when they see the pictures and perhaps read my stories. Some have actually commented on photos and I get a little weirded out. It's the hazard of living part of your life in the cyber world, open to the public and all that.

I will get over it, I will...I just may need to find a Chemist who could create some Facebook Prozac, that little blue pill that won't make me cringe just a little when another person from my past pops up.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Baby Mama!

My one fear of heading home to SLC in a few weeks for a visit is the pure fact that pregnancy is contagious in Utah! I have two friends who are currently pregnant, one of which is my VeryBFF's girlfriend, who is also a BFF! <--See how we keep it all in the family! I swear it's something in the water in SLC, I think instead of fluoride they put in fertility drugs to keep the population boom humming right along. You all remember that report a few months back about drugs in the municipal water system...yep, in Utah they were fertility drugs! OK, just kidding, it was Prozac, and we all know how Utah loves its Prozac.

Lately, it seems pregnancy and ticking clocks comes up a lot in conversation. Don't get me wrong, my clock has been dead for awhile now, because I purposefully hid the batteries under the skeletons and remains of past lovers in my closet! Wait aren't the skeletons the actual remains of past lovers anyway? Or are skeletons the ghosts of misdeeds and the remains are just that - freeze dried corpses left to rot and never be heard from again? (Hmm, will definitely have to ponder this one a bit)

I digress, as I am known to do, in the last month I have had no less than two attractive, fine specimens of the male half of the species ever so delicately (i.e., bluntly smack me across the face with a dead fish) ask me if I would consider having a genetically superior child with them. This is nothing new of course because I am tall and athletic, survival of the fittest and all, but it made me realize that if the human species suddenly digressed back into animalistic behavior and caveman tactics, where procreation and coupling were based on physical prowess and athletic characteristics...then I'd be an alpha female and have one very worked over vagina!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Walk of Shame

One of the more mundane things I do every morning is walk the one and a half blocks to catch the bus every morning Monday thru Friday. It's usually a very quiet walk through the neighborhood, you see other commuters, people walking dogs and others out for a run. This morning however, I saw something that kept me smiling all the way home.

I was just a few buildings away from my apartment when I saw a girl exiting a taxi. She was very disheveled, wearing skinny jeans, 5 inch strappy stilettos with the straps undone, puffy fur coat only half-way on, layered shirts that were riding half-way up her muffin-top midriff and dragging a small purse. I knew I had to watch this all from behind. I slowed up just a bit so I could watch this catastrophe unfold.

As the girl slammed the taxi door, she toppled over into the wet grass. I helped her up and that is when I noticed her face. She definitely had the OMG-what-did-I-do-last-night make-up thing going on. Mascara and thick black eye-liner smudged all over her eyes, traces of lipstick around her mouth and the tell-tale sign of whisker burn. It was all I could do not to laugh. I picked up her purse handed it to her and grabbed my own purse as she stumbled her way up the sidewalk. As I passed by her building, with her standing in front, I could see she was pushing every button on the intercom panel. I'm assuming either she lost her key, forgot her key, forgot where she lived, was visiting from out of town or maybe that wasn't even her apartment building. The last thing I heard before I turned the corner to catch the bus was "Let me in you bitch, I have to pee?"

I couldn't make this story up if I was trying! It must be a Friday. Just one more reason I love walking in this city. You don't get to witness such human comedy when you drive all the time.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm High!

I am having a major rush of endorphins due to the lovely, beautiful, glorious, abundant sunshine streaming through the office windows today!

I have been quite down lately due to the copious amounts of rain we've had lately. Instead of a lovely pair of fall weather chocolate brown suede boots, I had to buy my first pair of rubber rain boots - EVER! Seriously, I was so despondent I cried into my keyboard! OK, not really, but I felt like it. I miss the fall weather in Utah, the trees changing, the crisp nights and the lingering warmth during the day....ahhhhhhh! Instead, I spent a good amount of time on Tuesday night on the Internet searching for cute rubber rain boots! Oh, let me add in size 11! Hey, just because I'm a giant, doesn't mean I should have to be forced to wear ugly rubbers!

I seriously don't know how people in the Pacific Northwest deal with this! It's no wonder it's the home of grunge rock...it's fucking depressing! I do agree the country is gorgeous...as long as you see it on one of the three sunny days of the year!

All that whining aside, I'm going to enjoy these two days of sunshine, because the rain comes again on Saturday. I guess it will be a good excuse to stay home, sew my Halloween costume and give the abode a thorough cleaning.

*Update: When I receive my boots in the mail, I promise to take a picture of me wearing them, in the rain...which should probably be this weekend, if I'm not curled up in the fetal position on the floor!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Strange Bus Folk

On my way to volleyball tonight, there was a woman sitting in the front and she had multiple rings on every finger, including her thumbs.  Make that a ton of rings, a gaggle of rings, a flock of rings, I mean HOLY SHIT every centimeter (that's for my international readers) of her fingers and thumbs were covered by rings.  If I were trying to hazard a guess I'd say she probably had about 8 rings on each finger.  Uh huh, you do the math, that's 80 fucking rings!  Not just bands either, these fuckers had stones and gems in them.

Some questions running through my head:

How does she keep the rings at the tips of her fingers from falling off?

How does she pick anything up?

Does she lose some of them and never know it?

How long does it take her to put them on?

Can she even bend her fingers?

Does she have to remove them all to wipe? - this question of course leads to other more graphic questions which I shudder to even imagine.


Next!

The Sox and the Cubs are now done for the season, I'm not a basketball fan, so it looks like I'll be turning my attention to da' Bears! I admit I have been watching a few games, only when it's scheduled by somebody else and there is alcohol involved.

Except for baseball and volleyball, I'm just not into watching sports. I'm a participator not a spectator when it comes to sports. Most women understand this, unless we have a favorite team or a significant other who watches sports ad nauseum, then we'd rather be doing just about anything else besides sitting on the couch watching men sweat, hit, grunt, push, pull, shove, run, jump, roll, drive, and dribble their way to victory. This is why I need alcohol to get through it all.

If it weren't for my Chicago girls and their love of football, friends, food and gatherings, I'd be spending every Sunday for the next three months doing something productive. I guess it's not called Sunday Funday for nothing.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Duh!

You know that feeling you have when you've finally figured something out and you're all, "Oh yeah, you can't fool me, I'm on to you!" and then it all changes. Like a gust of wind just came out of nowhere and blew the shit out of your house of cards?

Oh yeah, you know what I'm saying.

After 34 years on this earth, and nearly half of that dating boys/men...OK boys, I thought I had it figured out. Boys are simple creatures and women are complex, it comes from being put on a pedestal all of our lives. Boys are raised to be simple creatures, this in no way whatsoever means they're dumb, it just means they don't get caught up in drama and nonsense, the way we women can sometimes...OK a lot of times. So you'd think meeting a guy would be a simple task right? You meet, you exchange numbers, you chat, you go out and you either decide to go out again or you don't. Pretty simple.

At this point you might be wondering where I'm heading, I'll get to the point. Over the summer I have met quite a few guys and they all ask for your number, and if they're not texting you right away that night, then you never hear from them at all. Seriously, what gives with that shit? Then my friend TBills was telling me how this Chicago things goes, you meet all sorts of people during the summer and then the guys get around to calling you in the winter. Apparently it's the "cooking-for-one "dating routine. When you're cooking for one it can get pretty expensive, so you cook a lot of food and then freeze the leftovers for later. Guys gather numbers during the summer when it's hot and the girls are out and abundant, but there are just too many to settle down with one for the summer, so they stockpile numbers. When it starts turning cold, they give you a call and see if you want to "hang-out".

I received two such calls yesterday! While I was at the Sox game with my friend Jennine and two of her guy friends, I received a text from one of the guys I met very early in the summer and haven't seen nor heard from since and last night just as I was about to go to bed I received an actual call from another. Now, I have a pretty good memory, I remember faces, names, dates, places and numbers. But for the life of me I could not remember either of these guys! I had to text the first guy and ask who he was, which he responded and I promptly decided that I didn't need to reply. The phone call was awkward because I had to fake my way through it until I could finally figure it all out and I'm not very good at faking it. So, if I have a pretty good memory and I can't remember you, how in the hell do you remember me?

Personally I think all the boys in Chicago are stockpiling a bunch of numbers in a big giant freezer somewhere in the city and when it gets cold they just go to the freezer, pull out a number and give it a try! Now it all makes sense to me, like that same gust of wind reversed course and just blew my house of cards back to upright!

Friday, October 3, 2008

Rock & A Hard Place

The current playoff season of MLB has put me in between a rock and a hard place. Unfortunately not a two carat diamond ring and a stunningly beautiful, hard-bodied guy, get it rock, hard place...OK, forget it, just trying to be funny today.

Anyway, since I was not born and raised in Chicago I don't have any life-long ties to either the Cubbies or the White Sox. I live a few blocks away from Wrigley Field, that's about the closest I come to any sort of loyalty to either team. However, since they're both in the playoffs, and both doing poorly I might add the Cubbies are down two games to the Dodgers and the Sox are down one game to Tampa Bay, I feel I have to choose a side. The reason this is a dilemma is because should both of them make it through this series, and then both of them make it through the next series (big IF) who do I cheer for? I can cheer both teams equally unless it becomes an "El" series or "Crosstown Classic" if you will. Then and only then must I choose sides.

I've narrowed down my reasoning for picking one team over the other to two factors: fashion or superstition.

THE CURSE - for any of you who follow baseball, you know this is the 100th year of the Billy Goat Curse. The famous curse brought upon the Cubs because they would not allow a man to bring his goat to Cubs games - totally cliff noting the whole story for you. If the Cubs make the World Series I should cheer for them, because then we could move beyond this curse. The Red Sox did it a few years ago, they broke their curse finally and now the Cubs need to just move beyond all this nonsense. It would be great for them to win, because I could say that I saw the cubs in Wrigley Field the year they won the title and broke the curse. It's a moment in baseball, it's a Chicago thing, it's part of living in Chicago.

Fashion - I look better in black and white than I do in blue. Blue is just not my color. Black and white is clean, slick and it goes with everything. Pretty simple reason actually.

I think I choose fashion. Besides my Sox t-shirt has rhinestones on it, shiny pretty rhinestones! Makes me girlie just talking about it.

So, hear this, if the White Sox and the Cubs end up in an "El" series I will be cheering my little heart out for those southside boys!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Total Disappointment

I have never, ever been truly disgusted with Congress until this morning. When I awoke and turned on the morning news show I watch, the hosts were giving a rundown of the "Bailout Bill" that passed the Senate last night. Guess what? They had to add "sweeteners" to get the new bill to pass.

Here are just a few of the add-ons:
Tax breaks for wool research - umm, shouldn't we leave this up to the Scottish, they're much better with wool then we are, plus they have way more sheep than we do, it's a culture there. Seriously, how man sheep herders do you know out there. Yeah, I thought so.

Tax breaks for kids wooden arrows - hmm, me thinks the NRA is behind this one somehow. Even if they aren't, I'm going to blame them.

Tax breaks for race tracks - are you fucking kidding me! Like we need more NASCAR wannabes out there, don't get me wrong, I do watch NASCAR sometimes, usually when I'm in Vegas with the boys and putting down a bet. But seriously, it's guys and a few women turning left all day long. It's the epitome of a guy/woman who is lost and won't stop to ask directions. Plus it's a shit-ton of asphalt, removing open-space and we are encouraging MORE burning of fossil fuels and adding to Global Warming.

Tax breaks for rum producers in Puerto Rico & the U.S. Virgin Islands - OK, since I've been to PR and USVI, I could almost agree with this, but I'm not a rum fan and I'm pretty sure they're not hurting for money. How about a tax break on my favorite US distilled bourbon huh? I'm tired of paying almost $40 for a bottle.

OK, now that all my steam is gone, the majority of the tax breaks that were put into the "Bailout Bill" are actually worthy, but they should NOT be in this bill. It taints the idea of helping main street. It dirties the waters of economic reform. It reminds the constituency that it will always be business-as-usual in Washington.

Utterly disappointed today, I need some cheering up, maybe bourbon for lunch would do the trick.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Costumery

I love Halloween! I haven't always loved Halloween, but I do now. It's the perfect time of year to behave in a manner you wouldn't normally behave the rest of the year, women get to dress like sluts and get away with it, guys can don new identities and play super heroes and kids get candy for free. Don't get me wrong, I realize that Halloween is "supposed" to be for kids, but if you look at the history of Halloween you'd see that it was always adult oriented, until Hershey got hold of it - OK kidding about the Hershey remark or am I?

Halloween is a true pagan holiday that has not morphed into a Christian holiday and I love it simply for that fact! Then I get to add in my mad costuming skills and it gets better! Through the years, my design and sewing skills have definitely improved and since I started making costumes I have held firm to one principle - Never wear the same costume twice! That being said, I have a crazy costume closet. Through the years I have been, Yvette from Clue, a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a Vampire, a Witch, a Musketeer and a host of others. This year I'm torn between Little Dead Riding Hood or a Goth Ragdoll. Either way I'll be wearing the black corset I wore at Burning Man, and I promise to post pictures when I figure out which one I'm going to do.

The great thing about this year for Halloween; I'll be celebrating the week before in Chicago with two parties, one at Bon V and a private party downtown, then flying to SLC on October 31st and partying with the friends at Chippy's place! I can guarantee two things for SLC 1) TA will dress up as some obnoxious male character (Vic Binnion, Cletus, Brew Crew or possibly Coco) and take that opportunity to molest unsuspecting females and 2) Ed and Janice will have some sort of fabulous couples costume.

Since today is the 1st of October, my deadline is fast approaching, be prepared for a lot of whining!

**UPDATE**
Ok, just found out via e-mail from the host; the SLC party is being hosted by couples. COUPLES! FUCK ME! I asked the host if there was going to be a sequestered spot where all singles will be banished, because dammit I need to plan appropriately for my costumery! I figure there are two places for the singles to remain out of sight (because you know how couples hate seeing singles having fun, it reminds them they're only allowed to sleep with the one they brought to the party) 1) the low-ceilinged basement is not good for the platform black boots that may become part of my costume or 2) the scary garage loft that is not conducive to any sort of heel and it's cold which means I would need a coat at all times and then nobody would see my awesome costumery!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Bailouts!

Prepare yourselves, I'm going to wax political, economical and poetic!  Ok, I can't rhyme, so I'm going to wax political and economical.

For those of you who don't know, I work as a Registered Paraplanner for a small investment management firm.  My job is very much like a paralegal to a lawyer, which means that I do a lot of economical research throughout the day.  To back all that up, my degree is also in Economics from the University of Utah.

Today was a bad day on wall street, the worst one-day point loss in history!  (Don't believe me, just look it up, there are plenty of resources)  It was down just less than 7% today.  This is not good news.  For the last few years I have been talking about the mortgage crisis, unethical lending and greedy behavior by banks looking for more money.  Don't get me wrong, this absolutely does not let the borrowers off the hook.  When hundreds of thousands of individuals took out loans, without knowing the terms, and never being 100% honest as to their ability to pay...WE all end up paying in the end.  Eventually a bailout package will pass through congress, but I believe, along with many, MANY others, that this is a good thing, although I would always prefer not to have to do it.  

In simple terms, the US Government is the only player big enough, with enough cash to buy up these assets.  They are NOT worthless mortgages, they will just take time to pay off.  In simple terms:  you have a family who purchased a home during the rise in the real estate prices, they took out a 3 year ARM (adjustable rate mortgage), two years into their loan, the real estate prices started to fall, so now this family has a mortgage for more than their home is worth.  Now comes the bad part, at the end of year 3 their ARM adjusts to a much higher rate, the value of the home has fallen and now the family cannot re-finance at a lower fixed-rate mortgage, and the family cannot afford the new "reset" mortgage payment.  The bank cannot afford NOT to "reset" the mortgage, because they have leveraged the mortgage to buy other assets and now the bank needs the money.  Two things can happen at this point:  1) The bank forecloses and sells the tangible asset, which means the family is out of their house and out of their equity.  The bank gets some money, but they have to take a loss.  2) The government steps in, buys the mortgage, does not "reset" the mortgage and the family is allowed to stay in their home and hopefully pay it off in 30 years at 100% of the mortgage value.

Now, obviously scenario #1 does not bode well for the individual or the "Main Streeters", but if we allow the government to step in and buy the troubled mortgages for a discount (possibly $.50 on the dollar) then the individuals have a chance to pay back the mortgages.  There is a bonus to this...the greedy banks get SCREWED!

Now anyone can read the various reasons why the bill did not pass today, and I'm sure some are right, but the Republicans AND Democrats who held their "yea" vote due to political reasons need to realize that they are responsible for todays historical loss!  Apparently the Republicans need somebody to talk nicely to them.

I'm not saying this bill was perfect, but it might be the only shot we have in the short-term.

OK folks, there is my take.  It's only mine, it is most certainly not the opinion of my employer, it most likely is not the main opinion of the man I will be voting for and not all of my friends would agree with me.  It's just my humble, EDUCATED opinion.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Randomness

Some topics that I would like to expand upon, alas it's Friday and I'm just too lazy.

I'm now International - Yep, Salt City Miss has two readers in the UK and Canada- woohoo! Don't know who they are personally, but HI GUYS!

Friends - My UT friends suck lately! OK, not really, I just wanted to see if they're really reading this. LOVE YOU!

Laundry - OMG, it's been piling up for two weeks, I absolutely need to do some wash, it just takes so much time!

Shoes - I have been neglecting my shoes far too often lately and I need to do some fall shoe shopping - it's totally on the schedule!

Social Life - Even without dating anyone special, I'm still doing a lot. Never fret my dears, I am not becoming a hermit!

Dating - OK, I have to clarify, since moving here full-time I have been on dates, but nobody really interesting, at least nobody that I would consider going out with again. That's just to clarify.

Economy - Since I deal with the economy and it's current situation daily for work, I will not bore you with my opinions, and they're educated opinions too!

Politics - Even though I haven't posted about politics at all thus far, let's just say socially I'm about as left as they come! Fiscally I'm to the left of the middle, so...Vote Obama! And let me just say this, when Obama/Biden wins, I'm going to change my name to Monica and see if I can get a job as an intern for Joe Biden! He's not quite Bill, but I love a smart guy and I'd totally show him my thong.

Weekend Plans - Kerryman tonight with the girls, Oktoberfest tomorrow with TBills and then Sunday Funday. I promise to watch my intake of mimosas and bloody marys, we all know where that got me last Sunday!

Cheers!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The New Sexuality - Asexuality

I have decided that my vagina is broken or at least temporarily out of order!

The effort one must put into getting "some" is just too much for me. Waxing, shaving, working-out, cleaning the house (visitors), small-talk, primping, lingerie, etiquette and all those little things just add up to too much time and effort wasted on one person when I could just simply take care of it all by myself, is daunting to say the least.

Asexuality is a much better option for me at this point. I got to thinking why I was just not into "J", please don't ask me why I've wasted a lot of mental energy on this, I just have. He's attractive, seems to be smart and could possibly be a good friend, I'm just not into him, yet he is apparently into me. Except for the Demolition Man, who stood me up, I have spent nine months in Chicago and I have not met one other guy who interests me. At ALL! I think I have lost my sex-drive completely! This was a tragedy when I first thought about it, but now I think I may have unlocked a creative energy that I haven't had in quite awhile. I could totally be noble here and devote my new creative energy to say helping the sick, homeless, indigent, down-trodden and countless others, but I can't think of where I should devote my time.

Any ideas?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Why Oh Why?

Why do I do this to myself? I decided to play on Sunday Funday, and well it turned out good and bad. Here in Chicago, Sunday Funday means you start at brunch in the late morning/early afternoon, there are mimosas, bloody marys and tons of food. You usually move from brunch in the later afternoon to either the beach in the summer, or a sports bar to watch whatever game is on during the other seasons. Seeing as how football just kicked off around here, and 'da Bears' first home game was Sunday, we started with brunch at Duffy's, took a break at Jennine's apartment for a bit and then continued our eating/drinking at Stanley's.

At some point in the afternoon/evening I started getting physical with "J". He's a friend of a friend and I don't really know too much about him and I think one too many mimosas in the early afternoon and too many Jack & Ginger's in the evening led to too much physical affection. Now I have "J" calling me and texting me and e-mailing me and I just want him to not be calling me and texting me and e-mailing me!

He's not unattractive or boorish or dim-witted or any of the other undesirable traits I usually attract, but I'm just not interested. Ugh, this is the part I hate; telling somebody you're just not interested, especially after making out at every opportunity a few nights before. I'm going to blame the dry-spell and call it good...oh and finally call "J" back.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Need an Intervention

This last weekend I was supposed to put a major dent in my bank account to do some much needed fall shopping. I had planned this trip to coincide with Linds' visit to the Windy City. Seeing as how she had to stay and take care of business, I decided to play with the WC friends instead and didn't do any shopping whatsoever! My problem now is that it is fall and I don't have any fall clothing to wear, or at least nothing in the awesome rich colors and plaids dominating the windows here on State Street. On Saturday I decided I could finally delve into the stash of awesome fabrics I have in my possession and finally do some sewing, which I haven't felt like doing since the BMan costume explosion. It would significantly reduce the amount of fabric storage in my apartment (bonus), it would save me tons of money (bigger bonus) and I could stretch a few design muscles (not such a big bonus, but still worthy).

Only now it's Monday, I'm in a blah mood and my materialistic other half is trying to back stab me and it wants to spend my money! I thought I had thoroughly convinced myself that saving the money was a good thing to do, because it meant that I could buy myself a new laptop before the end of the year, but apparently I'm trying to self-sabotage my own bank account.

I think sometimes I have dual-personalities; and one of those personalities is a reckless, materialistic, spender and the other is a miser! Are there specific therapists to deal with this sort of personality disorder? If not, will somebody help talk my materialistic side off the ledge?

Friday, September 19, 2008

One Door Closes...Another Bottle of Wine Gets Opened

So my friend Linds was supposed to be here in Chicago with me this weekend. However, due to a major asshole of an employee, she had to cancel and stay in SLC, which was a real bummer when she had to call me and tell me. Luckily my SLC friends Dean & Tracy came to the rescue to help with my SLC addiction. They're in town for Dean's brother's b-day and they are here until Saturday. Yesterday they went to the marathon Cubs/Brewers game and sat in the bleacher seats at Wrigley Field, yours truly had to slave away in the office, but I met up with them at Socca later in the evening.

While at the game, D&T met one of the owners of Scocca, a restaurant near my apartment - Roger Dodger/Rog/Chef Extrordinaire/etc, besides being totally cute (short, but totally cute), he was the sweetest thing in the world! Through Bulleit bourbon, shots of Jameson, Socco&Lime, and a bottle of wine - Roger Dodger kept sending food from the kitchen! Lots of food! Tons of food...and it was OMG fabulous! What I can remember - squash ravioli, ceasar pizza, escargot, some sort of salad with bacon, egg, and fried slivers of onion rings - yummy. Then there was the best pork chop I've ever had, which Roger Dodger ever so lovingly created the perfect bite and fed it to me, then there was some sort of beef entree with shrimp that melted in my mouth! Between, D&T and their friend KV we shared everything, but it was so incredibly yummy, it now goes down in my book as one of my top nights in Chicago. I told Roger Dodger he was my new wet dream and I meant it.

It was great to spend time with D&T and actually get a chance to talk. Tracy and I completely forgot the boys and carried on our own conversation most of the night. So while I'm bummed Linds couldn't make it...I still managed to feed the SLC addiction and I added wine, ravioli, bourbon, pizza, porkchops.....

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Old? Are you fucking kidding me?

Since I've finally found some great volleyball players here in Chi, I've joined two co-ed teams for the fall indoor league. They're good, experienced and actually like to practice, which really consists of pick-up games at the Windy City Fieldhouse. It's been great to get back on the hardcourt, but let me tell you, my body is feeling it! My thirty-something body cannot play like my twenty-something body did.

During college, I remember the worst part of volleyball was three-a-days and how sore you'd get, but since you were young, you'd bounce right back and be in the swing of things in no time. You'd practice during the day, all day and then party at night. After this Sunday's practice, all I wanted to do was go home, take an advil and crash into bed. Three hours of hitting drills and then pick-up games and I was exhausted and every joint I had ached. Don't get me wrong, I don't get sore and achey from just normal activity, but high-intensity games for three hours will definitely make me hurt.

Anyway, during the pick-up games the majority of the players were in the young to mid twenties and they're good, but they're so young it's enviable. So at 7PM I finally called it quits and as I was leaving, one of the girls who had been playing on the other side of the net from me all night asked two things. In order: 1) How tall are you? (a: 6'0") and 2) How old are you? (a: 34), to which she replied - "OMG, you play really well for that old."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!

If my shoulder hadn't hurt I would have decked her! Good thing for her I'm old.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Burning Man part Deux

As requested, here are a few additional photos with a few stories as well.





This is JV riding around in the dust storm, which hadn't actually picked up at this point.













I love these photos of Linds and Karen immersed in one of the art installations. It was a giant lit up jellyfish...or at least that's what it looked like to us.

Every year on Friday, there is something called the Critical Tits parade. Basically anybody who wants to join, can dress up their "girls" and ride in the parade. This year Amy & Karen joined the throng of others and the rest just watched.

This is Opulent Temple. Basically it's an outdoor nighclub with light shows, DJ's and caged dancers. On this night I would esimate there were at least five-thousand people in this location dancing.
The Sirens beckon you!




This is daytime at camp, or it could be early morning, but you never wear a watch so no real idea what time it is.
The Duck: The people who built this art car were part of a large group of people, all in matching rented RV's, pretty people with three art cars - one of which was covered in white fur and the inside was a converted bus with zebra print fur upholstery, disco light floor and a platform for dancing on top. I think this car finally hit the playa on Friday night because they were building it for two days after we arrived. There was a ramp on one side for getting on and one on the other side to get off. It had a great DJ and when we saw it on the playa we decided to get on. All of us got on, and then yours truly got kicked off! I used to like the duck, thought it was cool...now I think they're a bunch of assholes! I can totally carry a grudge like that.

This is Amy on night 2 (I think)This temple is a big thing at Burning Man, every year they build a large, beautiful shrine. People come here to let go of things, feelings, memories and people. There are large shrines laid at the temple and farewells that will break your heart. On Sunday night they burn the whole thing down. Unfortunately Karen lost her husband and our friend Scotty last year to cancer. She build a lovely shrine and placed it at the temple. JV and Linds at Root Society. AmyT on burn night in front of the pompous duck! And finally, we get to the burning of the man. The genesis can be read at Burning Man (dot) com, so I don't want to paraphrase and get anything wrong, but it's meaning has something different for everybody. Some say it represents "The Man" and others say it represents ideals. I won't go into what it means for me, other than to say it's a way of letting go. I am both fascinated and frightened of fire which makes me a pyrophobic and an pyromaniac, go figure. The burn starts with fireworks and then....
The Man goes up in a huge ball of fire.

On Saturday, the day we had the 10 hr dust storm, as mentioned in the previous post, this is why the fire conclave could not perform this year. Basically every year, fire troupes from all over the world perform before the lighting of the Man. They spin fire (poi), twirl fire, hula hoop with fire and do all sorts of things with fire. However, due to the possibility of wind gusts they could not perform this year and now you see why.

This photo was taken just as the giant structure of the man fell into a giant burning heap.
Much thanks to Linds for letting me lift your photos and show them to my readers! I'm so glad you snapped lots of photos.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Burning Man - As Promised

For those of you unfamiliar with Burning Man and Black Rock City, it's hard to put into words. It is most definitely one of those things you have to see with your own eyes and sometimes it feels like a cop-out to say that, but it's true. Anybody who has ever been will tell you exactly the same thing. You can hear stories for years, but until you set foot on the playa and see it lit up at night there is no way to describe exactly what you're experiencing. So the best I can give you are pictures and words:
*Disclaimer - BM is a very free society, alcohol, chemicals and nudity are just a few of the common behaviors/occurrences on the playa. Please keep that in mind and try not to judge.

We started out on Tuesday night: 2 hrs behind schedule, but let me just say there were some of us ready to go on time and let me just say again, it's the same group that is always ready on time! The SLC group included, Trock Daddy, JV, Tommy, AmyT, Karen, Linds, Foxy, Simy and myself. We had decided to make the trek in two days and overnight in Elko. On Wednesday we met up with Dean and Tracy in Winnemucca and drove the rest of the way into Black Rock City, which is approximately 80 miles north of I-80, 60 miles west of Reno. We finally pulled into Burning Man about 5:30 after getting through the ticket line and the Greeter Station. All virgins (newbies to BM) must get out of the car, ring the bell and most likely make dust angels in the playa. We finally located our friends from Park City - Kelly, Mike, Cyn and Di and made camp, or at least as much as we could before night fell. We geared up and headed out to the playa at nightfall. The playa is always lit up with lights of all sorts: neon, el-wire and fire. There is music of all sorts, mostly the constant thump, thump, thump of house music. You see art cars of all sorts, most spewing fire, blaring music and trolling around the playa with dancers on top of the car. This is one of the amazing things about BM is the ingenuity and creativity that is everywhere, from the costumes to the cars, your creative is jolted and you are forced to open your eyes just a little bit wider to take it all in. Our group hit the playa and journeyed to the center where the man stood in it's neon pavilion. The theme this year was The American Dream and the man was lit with Red, White and Blue neon lights. All around the pavilion stood numerous arts projects connecting the Burner to the theme. We partied and danced and roamed and took-in the playa. This year the sand was very difficult to ride through, so we ended up covering a lot of ground on foot rather than on our bikes. It makes for a long night!
At this point I would love to give you a day by day rundown, but I can't remember day by day, so I will henceforth post some pictures and tell stories.


Coco! Coco is my nemesis! Coco is not a real woman you see, but the feminine alter-ego of Tommy. There are a few alter egos of Tommy, to name a few: Cletus, Coco, Tony, Vic Binnion, etc. Ladies and gentlemen - this is Coco.
Coco decided to come out and play when Tommy decided to take a break. She got all gussied up, put on her favorite aqua blue, short dress and decided she wanted some action. Then pouted like a scolded school girl caught kissing another girl in the bathroom, after nobody wanted to play. The SLC group toured, Karen and Linds walked the tightrope, Trock Daddy pushed his bike around all night, Foxy taunted Coco, JV held the group together and I felt, well let's just say I was feeling no pain!


The afternoon foray! - Notice how dirty the boots got, but believe me they were the best purchase I made for this trip....along with the pink & black corset!

The playa always looks different in the daytime. AmyT, Linds and I set out one afternoon to see the temple and other art structures, we donned our afternoon attire, including the bunny/cat ears, parasols and went exploring. Shade is a must, you take your own with you when you go!








One of my favorite reasons to attend BM is to stretch the ability of my costume designing skills. On the playa almost anything goes! Seriously! You can wear everything to nothing. I prefer the clubbing wardrobe. Since in my everyday world I am pretty much a suit, I try to break out, just a little at BM. Corsets, fur, satin and wigs!









Mike & Kelly in the 10 hr dust storm on Saturday. There was actually a question as to whether or not the Man would actually burn. Due to weather there was no Fire Conclave this year, which was a disappointment, but necessary due to the amount of pyrotechnics that were packed around the Man. During the afternoon, we huddled in Dean and Tracy's trailer and played board games, drank, ate and basically enjoyed the A/C - huge bonus! When you're out in the storms, the only thing you can do is wear protection and/or take cover. Protection includes: dust mask & goggles!


This is one of my favorite photos to come out of Burning Man this year! JV and Linds on our 2nd night (I think).

We were all in a group watching the various fire groups putting on shows and we were surrounded by 9 ft. propane torches, which lit the area around us like daylight. This picture was taken about mid-night and no flash.










These are the girls on Burn Night! LtoR: Linds, Me, AmyT & Karen.

In the back on the right is the Man burning. We were in the midst of 50,000 people and surrounded by art cars. Since this picture was taken with flash, you can see all the dust particles floating in the air. The playa dust is so fine and sticks to everything, as evidenced on our footwear.

And this is where our photo journey ends. I definitely have more stories and more pictures, all you have to do is ask...nicely!
Our parting shot!
LtoR: Simy, Me, Linds, JV, Foxy, AmyT, Karen, Tommy, TrockDaddy

* Update:  Since at least one reader asked ever so sweetly for more pictures, I promise to steal some photos from Linds and post them tomorrow.  Due to prior contracts of promised decorum (haha) I will not be posting nudity and/or compromising photos of anybody, other than myself...even then I won't be posting any nude photos of myself!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Meme

I will thank the lovely Summer for this...but I refuse to tag anybody, mostly because my friends think I'm lame enough!

I am: a feline Amazon Goddess...according to some silly Scot
I think: religion is for shit!
I know: how to fix a flat, change the fluids in my car, make an evening gown and bring myself to orgasm - BTW, the last one is the most important.
I want: to go on a lingerie shopping spree
I have: way too much hair
I dislike: lies, lies, lies!
I miss: my SLC friends.
I fear: human spontaneous combustion.
I feel: frisky.
I hear: voices in my head...nope that's just the TV, this time.
I smell: COFFEE!
I crave: alone time.
I cry: very seldom, but always at odd moments when I do.
I usually: hit snooze at least 3 times in the morning.
I search: every morning for the matching shoe hidden in my closet somewhere.
I wonder: if Derek Jeter would heart me as much as I heart him.
I regret: nothing.
I love: meeting new, awesome people.
I care: about my family, my friends and my kitty cat...not necessarily in that order either.
I always: eat M&M's in even numbers. Weird I know, it's just one of my many quirks.
I worry: that I will be forgotten.
I am not: short or stupid.
I remember: how much it hurt when my father left.
I believe: "that children are our future." Ugh, I just threw up a little with that one! LOL
I sing: when I'm walking down the street, which usually leads to dance walking.
I don't always: floss. Sorry Dr. Jensen.
I argue: with my sister only.
I write: just to make sure my brain and my fingers can work together better than my brain and my mouth.
I win: scrabble, when I can spell "quint" on triple word score for 45 pts.
I lose: the matching shoe all the time when I don't return my shoes to their rightful place in the closet.
I wish: IT WOULD STOP FUCKING RAINING HERE!
I listen: to people when they don't know it.
I am talented: You bet your ass I'm talented, and many of those talents you will never know.
I can usually be found: lusting over Derek Jeter if the Yankees are playing.
I am scared: of footsteps in the dark.
I need: a pink single-speed bike, or find a cute boy around here to make one for me.
I forget: very little
I am happy: and I smile a lot too.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Chicago Quickie

I received an unexpected surprise on Wednesday.  My lovely friend Tamara called to say she was in Winnetka, a suburb of Chicago, and wanted to know if I wanted to get together on Friday.  I happily said, "You bet your sweet pregnant ass!"

The three of us, Salt City Miss, Tamara and now my new friend Jessica who just moved here from SLC, just had a great evening out. We started at my friend Scotty's bar, Matisse, then proceeded to Blues Chicago, hands down the best blues club on the northside!  Tonight they had Vance Kelly and the Nickel Candy Blues Band playing.  I have always, ALWAYS been a Blues fan, and now I have a new fav.

Now I'm at home watching Ike pound Texas, while the leftover rain from Gustav is falling outside - kinda weird in a way.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Nighmare on Barry

Scene opens -

Interior: apartment on Barry
Time: 4:26 AM
Characters: Salt City Miss, SCM's cat Bubba, SCM's Sister and MG's cat Milo
Setting: SCM asleep in bed with earplugs firmly embedded (sis is a major snorer), Bubba asleep on pillow, Sis screaming frantically from living room, Milo stalking Sis in living room.

I was rudely awakened at 4:26 this morning to my sister screaming frantically that Milo was stalking her, swiping at her and generally looking at her like she was breakfast. After she finally burst into my bedroom, startling me and Bubba, I somehow managed to get out of bed, gather up Milo, place him in time-out in his cage and stumble my way back to bed.

Let me just point out, Sis is older than me and obviously larger than Milo. Please explain to me why she felt the need to awaken me at 4:26 in the morning? Please explain to me why, if she knows I wear earplugs when she's staying with me, she thought calling my cell phone was a good idea, even though the living room is right next to my bedroom in a seriously not large apartment? Please explain to me why she couldn't just take care of this all by herself?

I need explanations otherwise I'm going to choke sis and Milo when I get home, because the rude interruption to my sleep this morning is seriously messing with my day!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I'm Bad, Oh So Bad!

I am such a bad blogger, I mistreat and abuse all my loyal readers! Since returning to Chicago, I have been recovering from the head cold, entertaining my big sister, having drinks with CJ (which doesn't qualify as being bad, totally good on that one) and generally trying to get back into the work mode. I keep promising you all stories and photos of Burning Man, but you see I didn't take any photos at Burning Man! Yep, I did not once break out my camera and snap anything! I relied on all my shutterbug friends to do the dirty work. They did, I know they did, because I posed for a fucking lot of photos in all my silly costumes. However, they have yet to post any of said photos on Facebook so I can steal them and post them here for you all. *HINT HINT, HUGE FUCKING HINT HERE*

Even though I could tell you some stories, they're just words until you see the pictures to go with them. There is TA so shit faced, he went out in the famous Coco drag and thought he was actually going to get some action, then pouted mercilessly when he didn't, me in all my corset glory (still trying to breathe properly), AmyT in sparkling grandeur, Linds in feminine fabulousness (even though she was sick the entire trip - color me IMPRESSED!), and the Collin sisters in calculated, coordinated mischief!

I hereby promise to harass, harangue and basically annoy the hell out of my friends until I get those pictures.

For now, I'm just going to be bad! It's so much easier than being good.

Friday, September 5, 2008

FACEBOOK REVOLUTION!

I was never a big fan of MySpace, it always seemed too cheesy to me, but I eventually started a profile and never really kept up with it for various reasons. I did however start a Facebook profile and it’s been a great tool to keep up with and re-connect with old friends. One of the best parts of this is finding old high-school friends. Recently I have found a few that I had always wondered where they ended up and what they were doing. I’ve been so happy to hear from them and know they were doing well. So far most of my friends from high school are now married with kids, not much of a surprise coming from Utah. Some have moved away from Utah and some have just moved away from our small town and they’re happy.

This morning I got a message on Facebook from a guy that I had the hugest crush on when I was 19. He was 23 and he had great hair, a killer smile, beautiful laugh, warm heart and happened to be dating Miss America, well not exactly Miss America, but she was runner-up (or top 10, can’t remember which now) to Miss Utah, which in my home state means you’re beautiful and can sing. My one biggest regret with him is that I never got to kiss him! I was just way too shy to make a move. Nowadays my mid-thirties self will look back on my teenage and early-twenties self and shake her head all the time, I was shy, insecure and so very naïve. Hell, I don’t even know what his feelings were toward me, even though we never went on a “date”, we did spend some time together and he turned me on to one of my favorite bands Live, and now is the time I wish I would have just asked how he felt or, horror of horrors actually asked him out. Fear of rejection at the time I suppose is my only answer. Now I say, “Screw rejection!” Hell I’ve dealt with rejection; I would just like to get rid of the unknown!  The unknown vexes me greatly.

The guy is now married to Miss America and they have three children, no big surprise there, in fact nothing really surprised me about his current life. He has taken the path that was always laid out there for him; at least it seems to me, but I could be wrong. My only wish is that he's happy, because he is one of the people I wish happiness in life.  

I however have veered off the path of what I thought my life would end up like when I was young and I am ecstatic about it. I wouldn’t trade my life for anybody else’s because I’ve made it something I enjoy! In a very strange way, Facebook has given me a glimpse of what my life may have turned out like, had I not learned new things and tested my old, comfortable environment. I faced the unknown, I embraced the new and personally, I am better for having done it.

Viva lá Facebook!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Texting: AKA - The Death of the "Real" Relationship

There could be an entire documentary film about how text messages have killed the idea of a "real" relationship. My friend JV once posted a link on my Facebook to a funny cartoon about two phones getting drunk and having a text hook-up relationship, with no actual conversation. It basically went as follows: two phones meet up in a bar while drinking/drunk, exchange numbers and continue to text over the space of a week, then they both get drunk again, hook-up, have freaky phone sex (actually quite funny), then break-up via text. I realize this is just an animated version of what happens most weekends across the country. My friend AmyT also met a guy, they exchanged numbers, and he would only have text conversations with her. For instance, he would send her a text, and she would try and call him. He wouldn't answer his phone, but would then text her back. Now I realize there are times when one cannot have an actual conversation due to time and place and therefore uses text to communicate, but she didn't feel this was the case with this guy. She stopped responding to his texts and he stopped texting.

Last week before I left for Utah and Burning Man I received the following text:

FWB? Come meet me near Wrigley, I'm nervous but not shy.

This text came from a guy on my volleyball team, who I am absolutely 100% NOT interested in, would never consider for a romantic relationship and is most definitely not a candidate for a FWB situation. I started to think where I may have gone wrong in my friendship with him to make him think that I would even be open to such a situation as friends with benefits. I personally don't think I put out the FWB vibe, I have never suggested any such openness to such an arrangement and hadn't spoken to him in over a week when I received this text. Which got me to thinking...


Is this where relationships have gone? Seriously, have people stopped communicating the old fashioned way? This text really peeved me, and apparently it's still peeving me!