Noisy Neighbor Update

For those of you following along with the Noisy Neighbor, I give you Sunday.

After I was stood up on Sunday, I decided I might as well get some wash done. I got in the elevator to switch the clothes from the washer to the dryer and the elevator stopped one floor below mine. A guy gets on and by the not-so-gentle swaying of his entire body, I can tell he's pretty much plastered. It's still early in the evening so this is a bit surprising. He turns to me and says, "Hey, I know you. I've seen you on the bus." He continues on in his one act monologue and I just stare at him, quite amused, because even though I just typed - "Hey, I know you. I've seen you on the bus.", what I really heard was "Heeeeeeyyyyyy, I knooowwwwyooouuu. I've ssseeennn yooouuuonnndabusss." <--this is why I'm staring at him highly amused. I figure he really needs no encouragement from me. He asks me which floor I live on, to which I reply a completely different floor than the one I do live on, then he tells me his apartment number. Imagine my surprise when it turns out to be the apartment right below mine! Yes, ladies and gentleman, we have finally met the man who likes his girls loud! Now I am very much amused by this whole situation, unable to hide the smile on my face. He tells me he's going to go out and have a smoke as if I'm supposed to wait for him and then it starts to dawn on me, I think my Noisy Neighbor has misread the smile on my face. We part and I go in the laundry room to switch the loads, figuring if I hurry I can beat him back into the elevator. No such luck...and this is where the story takes a decidedly creepy twist.

Just as the elevator door is opening, in comes the Noisy Neighbor, staggering wildly through the door asking me to hold the elevator. Though I can sometimes be thoughtless, I'm not mean, so I hold the door. On the ride up, Noisy Neighbor is swaying just a bit more with the nicotine now coursing through his already alcohol infused veins, and he's starting to invade my space. I back myself up against the wall while drunkie here is running through his mental dictionary trying to match enough words together to form a pick-up line. He's getting closer and I'm getting a little concerned that this guy is going to push it just a bit too far. As the elevator is opening on his floor, he turns to me and says in his best 70's swinger voice "Would you like to come in for a drink." and then the fucker winked, it was too much. I busted up laughing, nearly dropping the wet, non-dryables from the washer and then I realized there was a guy standing in the open door. Noisy Neighbor gave me one last wistful...ok, drunken look before stumbling out of the door and the next guy got on. He asked what that was all about and commented that it looked like he had gotten on at the right time. I gave him a quick rundown and thanked him for his perfect timing.

I laughed all the way back to my apartment and after meeting Noisy Neighbor...I am now absolutely positive she was faking it!

Comments Please

Ok, this is the note I have come up with. Any suggestions?

Dear Neighbor in Apt #456;

Though we have never met before, I have been witness (audible) to your musical selections and on numerous occasions to your very loud movie selections. It is also true that on the rare quiet moments late at night and early in the morning I have even faintly heard your snoring. However, recently the noise level emanating from the bedroom area of your apartment has become, shall we say, more boisterous. To put it bluntly, your girlfriend’s coital screaming has reached a climax (pun absolutely intended). Monday morning’s 5:30 AM wake-up call is what has prompted this note. Although this last weekend’s numerous sessions could also figure in as well. The bed banging up against the wall promptly brought me out of a sound sleep along with the screaming.

My only request with this note is to ask you kindly to consider others in your sexual escapades, not that you should invite others, that of course is completely up to your and your partner. Please be aware that your neighbors around you can hear what’s going on in your apartment and more to the point of this letter, your bedroom when it reaches a certain volume.

We respect your privacy and hopefully you respect ours, but when it interferes in such an audible manner I feel it is time to say something.

Regards,

Your Neighbors

Proximity and Promiscuity

My downstairs neighbor has a new girlfriend. Having never met my downstairs neighbor you might be wondering how I know he has a new girlfriend. This is a very valid question and here is my answer.

Since moving into my new apartment five months ago I have discovered certain things:
1) Cooking anything will set the smoke detector/CO2 detector off.
2) The 2nd elevator will never get fixed.
3) Doing laundry requires perfect timing to beat the rush on Sunday.
4) The water pressure never gets more than a hearty trickle.
And finally
5) The walls and floors are very thin; which brings me to the title of this post.

For the last five months I have overheard various exchanges within separate apartments as I’m passing by in the hallway: cats and dogs, birds, burps, fights, music, movies, morning alarms and sneezes. Numerous times I have heard my downstairs neighbor’s too loud stereo and television. Consequently, the only sound I’ve heard coming from the bedroom area has been very masculine snoring. However, for the last week the noise level from the bedroom has definitely ramped up! The moans and screaming have both kept me awake and awaken me. This morning’s caterwauling at 5:30 AM was not nice! I can forgive the weekend session; I mean really who doesn’t like a little on the weekends or a lot for that matter, but seriously at 5:30 AM on a MONDAY! The verbal emanations like those of a poorly acted porn movie were bad enough (then again aren’t all porn movies bad acting?), but the force of the bed hitting the wall vibrating up into my bedroom is where I draw the line.

I have decided to drop a note to the neighbor…I’m just not sure how to word it?

Follow-up:
A reader posted this link www.passiveaggressivenotes.com and after checking it out, I definitely have an idea of the note I will be writing. Thanks Vicki. Stay tuned.