Monday, November 3, 2008

Ahhhh....home!/home?

I think I've said this before that coming home to UT is weird, strange, stressful, etc. I will now add difficult and heart breaking to the growing list. Things are changing so rapidly in my friends' lives and my role in their lives is not the same as it was, yet I struggle so much with removing myself from that old role that it stresses me out and I have only myself to blame. It is difficult for me to make the decision to remove myself from their lives because for some I feel like I am abandoning them and others I think are better off for me being out of their day-to-day lives. I realize they live their own lives and certainly don't need me to make any decisions for them, but I've always been a sounding board for them. Do I now pick and choose who I still remain a shoulder to cry on or confidant or do I sever all close ties and risk abandoning those who still need/want me there? Can I become the long distance friend, am I really capable? I admit I am ultimately selfish and I truly want to be there with them and for them, but I don't want to give up my role in their lives, which is quite frankly very selfish of me. The big question is do they need me/want me anymore?

This weekend brought a lot of laughter, great reminiscing, wonderful reunions and a little drama...all of which was highly amusing. Old exes reared their ugly heads and tried to create drama, (which became a running joke throughout the evening, note: seek professional help!) old friends proved they are their lovely entertaining selves, good friends were there physically and emotionally when you needed them most and new friends never ceased to amaze and delight me.
My friends I love you so much and I will be here when you need me, but from now on, only when you need me.

4 comments:

kel said...

And, good god, where do I fit in the picture?
But I feel ya. Same problems here. Only I've had 8 years to figure it out.
Basically, those who are good friends will remain that way, and those who aren't....well, you won't miss them anyway.

Nilsa said...

And I think you need to ask yourself - what do YOU need/want? You worry about how your friends view your role in their lives, but what do they provide you? Maybe by turning the tables, you'll begin to figure out the answer! How's that for a little bedside psychology?!? ha.

Summer said...

I guess it is always hard to go home. I want you to know that I enjoy having you a part of my life no matter what capacity that is in. I think you are a fabulous!

Sarah Bellum said...

I can't imagine someone not wanting and needing you in their life. That's crazy talk.